


[S] Dave: Unite with your loving best bro

by cyberneticNeon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Bromance, Con Air, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider's Bad Parenting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Smuppets (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27598619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberneticNeon/pseuds/cyberneticNeon
Summary: Look, John and Dave reenact the final scene from Con-Air at the end. Need I say more?
Relationships: John Egbert/Dave Strider, if you squint
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Dave: Answer Chum

Your name is Dave Strider and you are soooooo fucked. Your best bro, closest compadre, and certified no-homo expert John Egbert’s birthday is in a week and you have no fucking clue what to give him. You can’t just give him some Ghostbusters shit, because even though you know he would lap it up like he’s been stranded in a poltergeist free desert for eons, you have to get him something special.

For your thirteenth birthday, just a few months ago, he got you these bitchin’ shades that have been a part of your brand and probably will be a part of your brand for the rest of your life. Plus they even touched Ben Stiller’s weird sort of gaunt face. How in the hell do you manage to match that? Aughhh. “Ping!” Oh hey, your Pesterchum is going off. “Ping!” Yep, it’s going off. “Ping!” Oh my god that is so annoying. It’s like 4am, what is it?

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 4:13

GT: hey dave!  
GT: are you up?  
GT: i just rewatched con air again.  
GT: it’s soooo good!  
TG: egbert what the fuck its 4 am  
GT: well it's still 2 over here.  
TG: that really doesnt help your case at all  
GT: okay, yeah but still!  
GT: con air!!!  
TG: con air really isnt that good bro  
TG: its been critically mehd by pretty much everyone  
TG: no one even gives enough of a shit to really hate on it  
TG: are you just jacking off to nic cages heroic escapades  
TG: i mean why else would you be up at 2 am  
GT: no one hates it because it's just that good!  
GT: also fuck you!!  
GT: you really should watch it though dave.  
TG: why  
GT: my birthday is in 6 days you know.  
TG: what does that have to do with literally anything  
GT: please dave?  
GT: i’d really appreciate it...  
GT: besides i’m having a con air themed birthday party this year!  
TG: pffft really egbert  
TG: what are you six  
GT: ugh shut up dave.  
GT: do it for the bromance  
TG: alright fine  
TG: ill do it for the bromance  
GT: nice!  
TG: you better repay me for having to slog through this cage flick  
GT: dave i swear on my ghostbuster kids club badge that you will enjoy con air  
TG: oh damn  
TG: bringing out the ghostbuster kids club badge and everything  
TG: wait is that even a thing  
GT: yes its a thing!  
GT: oh shoot  
GT: my dads coming upstairs  
TG: damn whats he gonna say if he catches you  
TG: son im proud of you for embracing your man boner to nic cage  
TG: youre finally becoming a man  
GT: oh my god stfu dave! i have to go.  
TG: alright see ya

Well, guess you’re watching Con Air now. You wonder if your Bro has it in his ironically shitty movie collection? You mean, you know he has Ghost Rider, Face/Off and Wicker Man so he probably has Con Air too. You really don’t want to go out though. It’s a toss up if Bro is awake or even here, and you’re really not feeling a Strife not now.

Sigh, you promised John though. Alright, fine. For the bromance. You open your door and start sneaking down the hallway to the main room. You somehow open the door to the main room without touching the creepy ass marionette hanging there. Yeah, that thing is probably a trap. You have no idea how long that’s been hanging there, but however long it's been has been long enough.

You gotta admit that though, that puppet is pretty radical. Your Bro surpasses you in irony once again. With it’s painted smile and the cold dead eyes reflecting the sparse moonlight off of it in a sinister tone. No, what the fuck it’s just one of your Bro’s puppets, he’s fine. You should probably just give him a fistbump for good measure though. 

You smoothly give the puppet a fistbump and it starts falling OH SHIT OH FUCK. You are now tangled up in your Bro’s totally radical marionette. You stand there completely still, puppet draped across you, internally flipping the fuck out. Oh god it’s on you oh shit oh fuck you angered the puppet again, Bro’s gonna kick your ass. You finally bring yourself to get the puppet off you carefully, and definitely don’t throw it to the ground like the demon spawn it is. 

Okay, you’re fine, you’re chill, you’re 100% chill, you are a fucking paragon of chill. Your levels of chill are unprecedented. They had to add a new tier to the chillometer, just to match your level of chill. Okay, fuck. You flash step through the door, careful to not activate any hidden traps. Looks like Bro’s not crashed on the futon, so he’s probably out doing a gig or some chick. Man, you wish you were as cool your Bro.

You’re finally starting to calm down when a camera rears it’s lens from out of a pile of smuppets. You jump a bit in the air before lobbing one of their promiscuous probiscuses at the camera, temporarily covering it up so you can find Con Air. You’re like some shitty Indiana Jones, except these artifacts are more likely to end up in a bargain bin than a museum. 

You finally cross the room and get to the movie shelf, sorted alphabetically, ironically of course. You get to C, and yep, Nic Cage is staring back at you, a determined expression on his clownish no talent face. Oh man, you cannot wait to tear apart this piece of shit. 

You carefully walk back, making sure you retrace your steps exactly, don’t want to get lulled into a false sense of security, that's how you- shit. You hear the unmistakable *snap* of a tripwire, sending a volley of shurikens in a wide enough vicinity which you can’t flash step out in time. Time feels like it slows down as you use one of your Bro’s not-as-shitty katanas that he let you use since you landed a scratch on him in a Strife last week. 

You deflect the shurikens off of your blade, the rest embedding in the wall behind you. If you hadn’t blocked those they would have killed or at least seriously injured you. Good thing you did. You’re so going to guilt trip Egdork for putting you through this, even though it was fairly uneventful. You finally pass back into your room, past the mangled puppet on the floor. You notice a camera peeking out from under the bathroom door. Shit, Bro was probably watching that. He’s going to kill you for fucking with his puppets. Not literally of course. You shut your bedroom door behind you and let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

Well, guess you’d better watch Con Air. You pop it into your computer, pull up the title, and hit play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already got all of the chapters finished, so the update schedule is Chapter 2 on Thursday and Chapter 3 next Monday. In total it's about 3000 words. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Edit: It's all posted and I would strikethrough that previous statement, but I don't know how to do that in html. ¯\\_ (ツ)_/¯.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, you’ve got to admit, Con Air is better than you thought it’d be. Not that you’ll ever admit that out loud. It may be poorly written, and holy shit what is Cage’s accent, but it’s not... bad. You may even like it. Goddamn it you like Con Air. Fuck. Screw John and his shitty Ghostbuster Kids Club badge.

Man, how are you ever gonna recover from this. Your coolkid pride has been tarnished. You’re not saying all of it was good, hell no, you still remember that shitty explosion effect, but damn it how did they make the line “put the bunny back in the box” actually sound kind of intimidating. Look, Cage gave a kind of shit performance, but the villains more than made up for it. Honestly, it’s stupid as hell, but it’s some damn good fun. 

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 6:28

GT: so did you like it?  
TG: jesus fuck egbert were you counting the minutes until the movie was done  
GT: ...   
TG: holy shit you totally were  
GT: anyways how did you like it dave?  
TG: well  
TG: it’s not a total piece of shit  
GT: yessss!  
GT: you totally like it!  
TG: what no i dont it sucks  
GT: you like con air!  
TG: no dude stop  
GT: we can be con air buddies!  
TG: no stop john you are seriously harshing my vibe  
GT: oh my god dave did you seriously just say harshing my vibe?  
TG: no  
GT: dave its right there.  
TG: john i have no idea what youre talking about  
TG: your dumb nerd glasses are obviously messing with your vison  
GT: dave...   
TG: john...   
GT: anyways con air?  
TG: alright fine i like con air  
TG: are you happy  
GT: yep!  
GT: so what do you think of cameron poe?  
GT: he’s so cool!!  
TG: eh i didnt really like him  
GT: what????  
GT: how can you not like cameron poe???  
TG: he just sounds disinterested half the time  
GT: no he sounds cool and aloof!  
TG: john you wouldnt know cool if you were at the north pole and cannibal santa came out to put you in his minifridge  
GT: what?  
GT: why would there be a cannibal santa?  
TG: what do you think happens to the kids on the naughty list  
GT: oh my god dave!  
GT: anyways cameron poe is cool and great and he’s a badass.  
GT: end of story!  
TG: also his accent sucks  
GT: okay, yeah fair.  
TG: anyways i thought the villains were cooler  
GT: what like the creepy girl hat dude?  
TG: what no ew fuck that guy  
GT: yeah he’s _too_ good of an actor.  
TG: i meant like malkovich  
GT: yeah cyrus “the virus” is pretty cool.  
GT: oh yeah, and rose is coming to my birthday!  
TG: what no way  
GT: yes way.  
GT: dave, you should come too!  
TG: well ive gotta ask bro first though  
GT: alright.  
GT: he better say yes.  
TG: dude i cant control him hes like an irony ninja  
TG: i have no clue what hell do  
GT: haha yeah.  
GT: anyways i should probably actually get some sleep.  
TG: alright dude night  
GT: goodnight.

Well, at least John’s happy. Oh shit it’s still his birthday in a few days. You’re still going to ask to go, but you’ve got to come up with something suitably ironic enough for Bro’s approval. You’ve still gotta wait for Bro to get back first though. Guess you should talk to Rose about this whole b-day thing.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 6:40  


TG: yo  
TG: so youre going to egberts?  
TT: Yo yourself.  
TT: And yes I am.  
TT: I must admit, I am quite excited.  
TG: why is that a positive emotion i sense  
TG: oh queen of goths  
TT: Yes, I am afraid I have succumbed to the human emotion known as friendship.  
TG: damn  
TG: anyways he invited me too  
TT: Oh?  
TT: I suspected as such, as he seemed quite excited and was going on about his grand “idea” that he sadly did not divulge to me.  
TT: Though, in hindsight, I suppose it was incredibly obvious.  
TG: think he can get jade too  
TT: I highly doubt it, as I doubt he can afford some sort of private plane or boat.  
TG: and jade lives in the middle of buttfuck nowhere  
TT: And Jade lives in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.  
TT: Though I don’t doubt my mother would concede if only to get one up on me.  
TG: what even is it with you and your mom  
TT: Do you really request another runthrough of our progressing passive-aggressive battle of one-upmanship?  
TG: i really dont think your mom is that bad  
TG: like are you sure shes not just really shit at being a parent  
TT: Even if it was unintentional, which I can assure you it’s not, she still is an alcoholic negligent parent who should not have been put in charge of raising a kid.  
TG: dang i know youre supposed to have the whole therapist thing going on  
TG: but even i can see that shit is fucked  
TT: Oh, are you deigning yourself to play therapist?  
TG: now rose  
TG: have you considered that what you truly want in life is not only your mothers approval  
TG: but also to bone her?  
TT: Ah, taking the freudian approach I see.  
TT: How interesting.  
TG: rose you cannot talk  
TG: you use his shit so much i wouldnt be surprised if you wanted to bone him more than he wanted to bone his mom  
TT: I suppose I can add necrophilia to my Dave Strider innuendo bingo card.  
TG: shit when did we start taking a fucking bingo game  
TG: why am i not a part of this  
TT: Dave, it is quite literally based on you.  
TT: I think it is fairly reasonable to say that you would have an advantage.  
TG: i guess thats fair  
TG: anyways john got me to watch con air  
TT: Oh? Do tell.  
TG: well...  
TT: I am sensing an abnormally large amount of hesitation Dave.  
TT: Is it possible that you... enjoyed the film?  
TG: ugh fine  
TG: con air is a piece of shit  
TG: but its a good piece of shit  
TT: Oh, so you’re saying it’s more of a guilty pleasure?  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: but now that ive sat through it you have to too  
TT: Pray tell?  
TG: yeah johns theming his bday party around con air  
TG: can you believe this shit  
TT: Yes, that is quite humorous.  
TT: I suppose I should bone up on my Con Air lore.  
TG: cant you just say funny like a normal person  
TT: No.  
TG: fair  
TT: Farewell for now Dave.  
TG: yeah seeya  


Alright so you guess that’s that talk talked. Or written you guess. Anyways, back to the drawing board. Actually, it’s more like just to the drawing board. You haven’t really started brainstorming ideas yet. Anyways, you guess you could do something Con Air themed, because duh. You wonder if you could afford one of the movie props, you mean, Bro probably could because of his website, but you don’t know if he’ll lend you anything. 

Usually he’s cool with you just buying what you want, but movie props are pretty damn expensive. Actually now that you think about it, how did Egbert even afford one? You’re pretty sure his Dad’s just some middle class dude. Or some street performer or whatever Egbert says. You honestly have no idea about John’s Dad.

Anyways, yeah, a prop for a prop sounds pretty good. You mean, you just watched Con Air, so what’s the one prop, the one thing that would get Egbert to jizz his Ghostbuster boxer? Wait. Waait. The bunny. You are about to make Egbert’s life. All you need is a torn wife beater and a shitload of your Bro’s money. You’re doing it man. You’re making it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jade won Dave Strider Innuendo Bingo in her first conversation with him. Also incest is the free square because of course it is.
> 
> Oh, and completely off topic but do you guys remember when MatPat gave Undertale to the Pope? Shit was wild back in 2016.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I rewatched Con-Air's final scene and so I wrote this chapter. This is my magnum opus.

Your name is John Egbert, and man are you SO excited for your 13th birthday! You’re finally going to be able to meet Rose and Dave! Sadly Jade can’t come because she’s off doing her weird spooky island girl things. But still! Oh man, you’ve been waiting for this moment for what feels like your entire life. You’re sitting outside with Dad waiting for them to arrive.

Out in the distance a nondescript white van starts pulling up into your driveway. Oh man, that must be Rose and Dave. Or it’s some creepy child abductor trying to kidnap you. Well, at least Dave’s Bro is here. You chuckle a bit to yourself at your own joke.

Suddenly you start hearing some music coming from a boombox? Yep, that’s a boombox on top of the van. How did you miss that? And it sounds like, like, no way. 

(Read along with the music)  
https://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/how-do-i-live-bunny-back-in-the-box-version-2

_How do I get through one night without you?_

You notice Dave coming out wearing a torn wife beater holding a bunny. Nooooo way. You lock eyes, shades?

_If I had to live without you. What kind of life would that be?_

He starts walking over to you and, oh my god is that his singing? It totally is.

_Oh and I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold._

You have spent your entire LIFE waiting for this moment. “Hello Dave.” You say.

_You’re my world, my heart, my soul._

“Hello hummin’bird” he says deadpan, with a terrible southern accent.

_If you ever leave, baby that would take away everything,_

“I meant to get a haircut,” he drawls, accent getting thicker by the syllable. 

_Good in my life._

“I got a presen’ fer ya John,” he says holding out the bunny. 

_Without you._

“It’s a li’l dirty,” he says, rubbing his shirt with the bunny.

_There’d be no sun in my sky. There’d be no love in my life. There’d be no world left for me._

“I got a picture. A picture of you,” you say, pulling out one of his shitty ironic selfies where he’s leaning on the wall holding his phone in front of the bathroom mirror. You are ALWAYS PREPARED. He looks like he’s struggling not to bust out laughing.

_Oh and I._

“I’ve-i’ve got a picture of you too.” He says, on the verge of bursting, pulling out a picture you sent him of you in a pair of beagle puss glasses, wearing a magician’s hat, dual wielding shaving cream on your slime pogo ride. Now you’re both struggling not to crack up. You’re both sniggering and now Dad is looking down on you both with an expression of fond amusement.

_Baby, I don’t know what I would do. I’d be lost if I lost you. If you ever leave,_

He hands you the bunny. You feel tears start to well up in your spectacled eyes. “Happy birthday John.”

_Baby you would take away everything that’s real in my life._

You give him a tearful bro hug bunp. He returns it with equal vigor. This is the moment that broships are made of. It was done, man. This shit transpired.

_And tell me now, how do I live without you? I wanna know. How do I breathe without you? If you ever go. How will I ever, ever survive?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they all get crushed by a meteor. What, did you think I forgot that?


End file.
